decisions, choices
To make a decision, a choice, and follow through is a strength. More importantly is being okay with the decision regardless of outcome.
I made a subjectively bad decision last night. It was a conversation with my mother. I had some feelings I wanted to share with her.
I had known there was a risk in sharing my thoughts with her. I did it anyway, but not impulsively.
That's another important thing about decisions, being intentional.
I knew she would act the way she did and the conversation wouldn't be what I wanted, but I wanted her to know. Or I wanted to know that she knew.
It hurt to know that she already knew and I understand the choices she made, but it still hurts.
In the moment, I blamed her for how her actions shaped my life.
I want to say that's not fair, and it isn’t, but she was the parent and she broke something she is unable to fix. Mostly because she can't. And that hurts more.
She said something that hurt me and left me to heal from it alone. She never attempted repair.
She abandoned me. Not physically, but emotionally, mentally.
She told me she was afraid of me. I was a child.
She saw what happened to me after that, but never met the harm with the level of care it required.
Instead, she waited for me to go to her, talk to her. But she had told me my emotions were scary so I waited for her explicit permission to share them. She didn't do that.
Growing up and believing I was wrong, disgusting, that I'd turn out to be a bad person, I had to make a lot of choices.
I hate that I had to make the choices I did. I hate that I had to or else I wouldn't be here.
It's truly disgusting that my mom made me feel that way. And when I had that conversation with her, she only tried to make me understand her side. I already did. I already did.
I had to understand her side before I could have this conversation with her. I couldn't risk not knowing because I knew she would invalidate me.
I hate that I had to protect myself before I could share this vulnerability with her, almost a decade and a half later.
She had told me that it hurts her to see how guarded I am with her, and I get it, it hurts me too. She's the reason though and she can't see that. Or she can, but can't face it.
I don't know if she expects me to just let it go. I don't think I can, not now, maybe not for a while, maybe never.
If she can't recognize what she did, how it makes her feel, I can't let it go.
She hasn't met the harm with the level of care it requires.