Disturbing Reflections And Fresh Terrors

11 Feb, 2026

about the title¹

I've always been creative, an artist. I have not always thought of myself as such.

I've always had trouble sleeping and so I would create my own dreams as a child. Vivid fantasies so engaging and real that I would forget about the elusive sleep and fall into these dream worlds.

When I got my first iPod touch, I downloaded YouTube and learned about the world of ASMR. This was back when I was like 12, so around 2011. ASMR was not as recognized as it is today. Or was a couple years back with TikTok and Instagram. It was something I was ashamed to be watching. I'm not sure why. The reason doesn't matter today.

With the ASMR sleep aid, I left behind those vivid fantasies and worlds. Predictably, in retrospect, my imagination became harder to conjure up during nights when my iPod was taken away. My mother doing the right parenting thing by limiting screen time before bed.

When I was a teenager, around 15, I started journaling. Well, I had started journals before then, but I would tear out the pages if I missed a day. Age 15 was when I realized that I'm allowed to miss a day, or a week, or even months. Journaling doesn't need consistency.

I would write for hours, hand and wrist cramping, in bed with the journal propped on my knees and later a pillow and eventually a lap table thing.

It started with recording the events of the day, chronologically, and then crossing out sections if I remembered something that happened before. Everything had to be in order.

Overtime I dropped that habit and I would fall into stream of consciousness. I just looked up that phrase, "stream of consciousness," to make sure it was correct, and it is, but I have no idea where or when I picked it up to describe my journaling style. It's what I'm doing now as I write.

I'm not planning or outlining this first post. Not focusing too much on details. I just need to get the words down and out. That's another phrase, "down and out," it's great for dealing with rumination or excessive worries.

Before, and during, the writing of this post I was reading several posts from this guy, Ben Kuhn, and literally going down a rabbit hole of his posts as he keeps linking back to other ones. I found him through Paco and their post: Why and how to write things on the Internet of theirs which was inspired by Ben's post of the same name which they link to. Check both of them out.

I think that's all for today. Or this post at least.
I'm still reading Paco and Ben's articles and I have ideas...

See ya 'round.