Looking for Answers
I've been looking for answers. To a question I don't even know the words to. Or have too many words for. Too many questions.
What kind of exercise can I commit to?
How can I get a job I like?
How do I make friends?
How do I live on my own?
I know the answer to these. I just haven't let myself sit in the discomforting quiet long enough for the answers to become clear.
My version or flavour of discomforting quiet is writing with that spark of spite, rage, heat, passion. The small flickering flame that burns hot and quick through me into my fingers as they click-click on the keyboard.
I love to swim, I love to run, I love to walk. Swimming is the only one I can consistently devote my time to. However, I get tripped up on the logistics. Where would I go? How would I get there?
To have the freedom to get a job I like, I'd need to get my high school diploma. I have known this for a while. This one is temporarily on hold due to trauma work. So it can sit on the back burner, instead of taking up one of the front burners.
To make friends, I just need to consistently put myself in spaces with people. We don't even have to have much in common, although that would be preferred.
And I know how to live on my own. I've down it before, but this time I feel good about the people in my support circle.
I feel like I'm not taking action to make these things happen, except that's not true and that thought is tied with an expectation.
I have evidence that these are the things I need to do to live my life. I have done each of those things at various points in the last 8 years. I just want to be able to do them all in one go and be done with it. But the journey is more important than the destination.
I know what I want, I have the answers, I just have to let my human self act on them when I can, not on some timeline I projected.
It will not be easy, there is no shortcut, and I'll still reach each of those goals in due time. I'll be looking back in a couple years and marvel at the where I am compared to now. Just like I marvel at where I was a few years ago compared to now.
I have my answers. I can stop looking for someone elses answers.